I can see right away that I’m a terrible at keeping my word. I mean, I’d hoped to be asleep by about 9 PM and it’s not going to happen. Not if I want to write this. Or maybe I’ll just write super fast. Yes, that will happen and there will be no errors for you to point out! (sarcasm intended)
My first week of trying to become a better person was met with fear and anxiety which physically manifested somewhere in my chest. In other circumstances that may have been cause for alarm but not this time. No, this time I fully embraced it because I knew the only way not to feel it would be to revert back to the unproductive me. So this kind of fear is welcome. It makes me feel I’m on the right track, even if last week felt like a small failure.
The good news, I learned that coffee doesn’t have to taste good for me to crave it. So I rinsed off the old French press and brewed a pot first thing in the morning (most days). Monday, of course, I set out on my first intentional exercise in ages (a neighborhood walk) but it turned out to be quite nippy on a March morning before sunrise, even in the Valley of the Sun. So I turned back and traded my shorts for sweatpants. The following day I waited until after sun-up to exercise. This works for now but when the summer heat finally hits, sunrise will be the only time to exercise outdoors without dying of heat stroke. For most of my fit friends around here, the gym becomes a necessary tool for staying in shape. I don’t belong to a gym and trying to join one is a bit complicated for me but I’ll figure something out.
Three days out of the four I’d committed to were days I did some form of exercise (usually walking). The rest of the week I made excuses. Not good excuses, but at least this week I can start over again.
Food? My blender from Wal-Mart was definitely not a waste. I did what my friends told me, experimental variations of different ingredients: peanut butter, frozen fruit, spinach, non-dairy milk, apple slices. It was all lovely! Well, apart from the cleanup. The key is to clean it up before anyone else in my family tries to. I’m still working on that. At least I have a nice, thick re-useable straw. It’s perfect.
I ate normal food too: salads, stir-fry, eggs and meatless sausage for breakfast…
Writing? I started doing morning pages again (as suggested by Julia Cameron). But as far as novel writing goes, I hit a creative block last week. I have so many doubts about my characters! And, to be honest, I’m kind of getting bored. Now I realize that if I quit because of boredom and/or creative blocks, I’ve already proven I don’t have what it takes to be a professional writer. But is that really what I want to be anyway or is that just the only option I feel is available to me? I’ll get back to you on this.
Over the weekend I went to this “Mental Health and the Gospel” conference which was kind of amazing because it actually happened in a church with participants from several Christian churches. But it was also kind of frustrating because the focus was on common mental health issues like depression, anxiety, trauma, and addiction.
Don’t get me wrong! I’ve suffered some of these too, but the thing that I long to hear someone talk of more than anything is the psychosis and hyper-religiosity which is perhaps only experienced by a fraction of a percent of church-goers, but I was one of them and I think the pastors who spoke with me could’ve definitely used a little help in dealing with my particular issue. Some didn’t even see my experience as a symptom of mental illness. This didn’t help me when I was still in denial as well.
Now it’s Monday. Time to act like a grown-up and get back on a schedule (one that is sure to be disrupted in the near future but I gotta at least try).